ODE TO RED LIPSTICK

" Tell me that suffering is not in vain. That theres a purpose for our pain and a reason to believe and walk on ".......That is a line in a song I wrote a while ago....I have never got a response to this cry of my heart. But, I have learned to walk on.
Matter of fact I walk 3-4 times a week. For me walking is a way of life that I learned when I was very young. My mother was a walker. She taught me the deeper meaning of walking. She started me out when I was about 4 years old , sometime around 1955, just like the date of our new red and white Buick convertible was back then. She would walk with me up to the corner of our street and then sit me down on the curb and say, "now don't move you can watch me walk from here". She then walked just far enough in one direction that she could still see me and then turned around and walk back towards me, passing me going in the opposite direction. As I grew in stature and years I began to walk with her. She told me to breath in thru my nose and then out my mouth..explaining how the oxygen was good for blood circulation, our complexions and cleared our minds. At that time I had no idea of what she was talking about but it was fun and gave me time with her.
We lived in studio city, a suburb of the San Fernando valley in the great city of Los Angeles....yes,I am "like totally a valley girl"......My mother was one of the first "health foodies", she quit smoking in the early fifties citing it wasn't good for your lungs or her skin. This was before the word was out on how it caused cancer. She also used a slant board faithfully. I could have been tickled to death by my two older brothers screaming out, " MOTHER HELP" and there she'd be laying on that stupid slant board. We also use to frequent the only and probably the first health food store in Studio city. It was on Ventura Blvd. It was nothing like the Co-op I go to today - it was more in the tradition of Jack la lane style.
My mother use to say to me when I was distraught or was running from my two pesty brothers "calmmado". She told me it was Spanish for calm yourself. I think she made the word up. She also would say how the Chinese showed no emotion on their faces and that is why there skin looked so flawless.....I was a very dramatic child.My face was always in an array of expressions like smiling or frowning hence the deep grooves in my face today from a life of laughing and crying. Anyways, the walking,the breathing, the healthy sparse diet and the wisdom of quieting oneself.... My mom was ahead of her time. She was also gorgeous, called me darling and wore red lipstick ( which I never go out of the house wearing). Her and her sister Phyllis," Auntie Phyllis" were putting masks on their face made from buttermilk, egg, and or oatmeal long before those things were $100.00 a jar...they were AMAZING. I miss them both so much I can hardly breathe. The ironic part of this is that I didn't really become like them or understand there wisdom until they both died. There is a lesson to be learned here but you don't learn it easily.
When I was 7 years old we moved to Sherman oaks another suburb of the San Fernando valley. That's when I began walking by myself. I would walk in the back hills of our house,exploring and looking for blue belly lizards.This area is now the 405 L.A. freeway. Sometime after that I started walking home from school which was a good way to burn up nervous energy which i had plenty of. When I became a rebellious teen , I would walk for miles by my self. It was often out of loneliness but it was also a way of taking control of my life. My father started having financial problems when I was about 13 and I hated being at home. My parents didn't have the money or energy to keep me busy with sports or music so I would come home from school, eat, change my clothes and walk. I did find myself in some precarious places but that is another story for another time.
I later moved to Topanga Canyon in Malibu and spent a lot of time walking thru the canyon down to the Pacific Ocean. I must admit to a deep love of the sea and have lived very close to it most of my life. One foot in front of the other I have walked for miles in my lifetime. Walking away from the present into the future. So thank you mother for your wisdom and the legacy of how to take care of my body and soul. And of course RED LIPSTICK.

The unraveling

How can we say we know god?....I used to think or should I say I believed what people told me when they said, " you know that you know ". That there's this inner knowing... there is some truth to that inner knowing but it is subjective and lets face it.... God is the Great Mystery......not that it hurts one's life to say you know that you know....but what is it that you know? Some people need the structure of a set of rules to keep their lives in line....and some don't as much....the bible says that its about saving our selves from eternal damnation because we are born into sin...well have you ever seen a new born.....they are the farthest thing from sin...but if this is true then it is the soul of a being that is sin.......are we doomed to sin from the moment we take our first breath? ...is this our mortal destiny?...And then we spend the rest of our lives battling with this inherent drive to sin. I say battle because there is also, thanks to our benevolent creator, a thing called conscience....this little inner alarm tells us when we do something bad ....but our conscience is subjective too ......think of men who kill others in the name of their god believing what they're doing is good not bad......it gets very confusing....and thats why I want to become a nun...... yes a nun, you heard me....
Yea its pretty funny when I think of this good old Jewish princess entering into the monastic life.....I'd be willing to give up everything except my Bergdorf Goodman account..... then again they probably make designer robes for nuns, they make designer birkas.....Maybe I should start my own line of Monastic wear, religious robes made from cashmere,silk, and fine Italian linens, or do you think that would be defeating the purpose.....